Mummy McMumface: “We need to go to town”
Daddy McDadface: “Let’s get the train! 👍❤️💙🎄😎💪🙌💃”
We wrapped up Wee Girl, double wrapped up Wee Man and walked to our local village station.
How charming! How lucky we are to have a station locally.
Oh what a cute little train! This is marvellous is it not?
The only thing that would make our journey sweeter would be lashings and lashings of ginger beer.
Hurrah we are at our closest metropolis on time and in orderly fashion!
Let us decant our precious little darlings onto the platform. What is that? Yes, yes we are being greeted by the rousing aroma of…cannabis, vomit and…yes…urine!
Never mind! Our local town may be somewhat run down but we have each other. Come on darlings! Let’s go on a Christmas shopping adventure!
Oh the queue to buy tickets to exit the station is rather long. I know! I’ll simply buy them on my mobile telephone! What a truely wonderful age we live in.
Oh alas! I haven’t scanned the mobile telephone correctly! The pram is now stuck in the barrier…however hard I pull at these gates they don’t seem to want to move. Ah Mummy McMumface your frantic ramblings are really speeding things along!
Cue helpful and very friendly train station man. Without your kind words of wisdom I don’t think I would have even realised our second born was being crushed in a giant metal vice! Bravo sir, you really lifted our spirits further.
What’s that? You want to go back home? Unfortunately I am concerned about potential baby vice damages needing paying, along with the very long queue of ticket buyers who didn’t judge us in the slightest.
Onwards! Upwards! Oh darling please don’t stand on that sick. Isn’t it a clever idea to have a public house at the train station? Swaying, slurring, absolutely sky boxed ladies and gentleman really liven up the whole train experience.
Oh Wee Man is crying, never mind!
Oh Wee girl well done on falling over just now and grazing your knee! Testing our first aid and trip preparation skills is exactly what we needed to develop ourselves as parents!
Shopping complete let us feast on the veritable cornucopia of delights this town has to offer.
Oh everywhere is full to the rafters and we have a pram. Excellent, excellent. Perhaps those chips on the floor would suffice? No? Ok let us feed Wee Man his milk in the street and we shall abate our hunger with the glorious tapestry of life.
Or Pizza Hut?
Pizza Hut it is. What’s that Wee Girl? You have decided that you don’t like pizza? I see. Totally understandable, I mean, who does? Well my darling you just carry on picking at piece of pasta whilst exclaiming, with excellent diction, that you would very much like a balloon.
Mother and I shall take it in turns to rapidly push this delicious fodder into our faces in the 12 minutes we have before our return train.
We don’t have time to get the train? Never mind! There is another one in one single hour! Another 60 full minutes to breath in the Christmas Sprit that is alive in everything around us.
Time to go? Excellent. You had to wait 5 minutes to use the baby changing facilities? Due to a Pizza Hut employee undertaking a massive bowel movement? You were nearly sick when you got in? What a character building experience for you, I am very jealous!
Right let’s go! Oh hello strange man. You saw us at the station earlier did you? We have been to Pizza Hut yes. Yes it does say that on the balloon. You want to apologise for what happened at the train station earlier? My good man it wasn’t anything to do with you! You told off the guard did you? Can I just say your constant stare and the fact you have stuck up a conversation with us midwalk to the station is really putting us at ease. Thank you sir Merry Christmas!
Hello friendly station guard. Thank you so much for running over to open the gates for us. I am glad that even though you were not there on our arrival that news has spread about our inability to operate gates.
Well done everyone we are on the train with a full 10 minutes to spare! Hurrah!
That kind gentleman across from us is not only staring, blowing our balloon, making train noises but also smells incredibly strongly of urine. What a treat!
What’s that? You would like to move carriages? Well ok but first we should thank that gentle fellow for showing us what murderous eyes look like surely?
Come on darlings to the furthest carriage possible! Oh another kind gent has opened the door AND helped us with the pram. We are blessed. Oh yes kind gent I do want you to show me the scars on the top of your head. Really? My goodness. That’s awful. I have to say I am enjoying your mutterings, especially when you expect a response. It is fantastic fun not knowing whether a shake or a nod of the head will give me my own scars. Don’t worry Mummy McMumface I shall converse with this kind gent you just take a seat.
We have arrived at our home station, double hurrah! This side of the platform has steps? Excellent news! Those muscles required to carry a pram sideways have been rather neglected of late!
What a wonderful day out! I think next time though, we should also bring the dog.